Hard

It's been a little bit since I have had #1  - the time, and #2 - the energy to write on the blog.

I'm not going to lie, we have been having a pretty rough go around here since the surgery.  We have all felt the weight of this trial knock us down over and over again.  Each one of us struggles to get back up only to get knocked down again.

Cole, especially, has been having a really hard time since this last surgery.  The stress and sadness surrounding him is just too much for him to handle. Our normally adventurous (albeit highly imaginative) boy has been sad, scared to be alone, in constant need of security and safety.  It literally tears my heart open to see him struggle like this.

If Dustin is out of his sight, he immediately needs his daddy.  If he is hurt, sad, or scared he needs both of us touching him.  He won't even think about sleeping in his room alone.

After a few nights of waking several times in a panic, I decided that Dust needed sleep and I took up sleeping quarters close enough to Cole's bed to be able to touch him each time he wakes or hold him if it escalates.

Last night reached a really low point for all of us.  Tears pouring down my face, I watched my sweet husband rock our struggling three year as he woke from his sleep in a panic attack at 12:30 am.  There haven't been too many times (I could probably count them on two hands) that I have come so very close to hitting a breaking point, but last night was one of them.  I just didn't feel like I could take any more.

After an hour of trying to calm him, a priesthood blessing by his dad, talking to the on-call pediatrician (Cole was screaming that his belly hurt), a band aide, some Advil and benedryl, some DoTerra Oils and a tummy rub Cole was well on his way to dreamland and I fell apart.  Ok, I fell apart several times during the episode, but after he was asleep, I lost it.

I sat on Cole's bed feeling so heartbroken that such a sweet little boy should have to deal with such a hard situation when he doesn't have any real way to process it and deal with it.  Just as his dad was getting better and life was feeling secure again, his dad suffers another "owie on his eyes" and Cole's world is flipped on it's head again.  That just can't possibly make any sense to a three year old!

Dust pulled me to him and told me again that it's all going to be ok.  It's all going to be worth it.

I asked him for a blessing.  The blessing he gave me was both powerful and sweet.  It assured me of a Father in Heaven and a Savior who know me and love me, who love my sweet Cole, my little Hale-Storm and my amazing husband and who are guiding our path.  It brought immediate peace to my heart and calm to my soul.

About an hour after Cole fell asleep, Haley woke up crying and wouldn't fall back to sleep!  Agh.  Our poor kids!  We are all going to be alright, but things are pretty hard right now.

It's so hard to think that we have so many possible surgeries ahead.  I hate the thought of seeing Dustin suffer more, Cole suffer more, Haley suffer more , our families suffer more.  It feels like the hard part will never end!!!  I sometimes wonder how much a person can take.  We are sure testing the limits.

After a hard and long doctor appointment on Wednesday, Dustin was as low as I'd ever seen him.  He had just been on the upswing after a bad couple of days.

After wracking my mind, trying desperately to find a way to help him over the hurdles he is facing, to no avail, we decided to go to the temple.

Praying fervently for help in this fight that we face - for healing in our souls, we walked hand-in-hand to the house of The Lord.  We had a really neat experience and left feeling refreshed and firm in our confidence in our Heavenly Father.  Excitement had replaced the fear in our hearts.

But then watching poor Cole struggle all afternoon and then last night brought more sorrow and pain.  It just really, truly is a refiner's fire.  I have never in my life experienced such depths as I have these past seven months watching the people I love suffer.  It's torture.  I'd much rather take the pain myself, no matter how excruciating.

We continuously beg and hope for reprieve.  But no matter what, we are firm in our resolve to serve our Father in Heaven and our Savior, to be who they want us to be.  We love them.  We trust that they know what's best for us, even when, at times, it seems like insanity to us.

Things will all work out.  They always do, especially when we rely on The Lord to guide us.  I'm convinced that a year from now, I will be happily laying on a beach somewhere with a smoothie in my hand as my babies and their dad build a huge sandcastle.  I will, however, take it sooner if its being offered!

Sorry for the depressing post.  I don't normally like to do that (which is why I haven't posted in a while).