Crazy
Just wanted to give a quick update on our little fam.
I never posted on here that Dust's vision isn't tilted anymore! Hallelujah! His vision still isn't as good as it was before the surgery, but his eye is still VERY injured and it does seem to be improving.
The eye he just had surgery on won't look left and the doctor thinks the plate she put in is restricting the movement so she wants to go back in and move it or take it out. She would like to go back in sooner than later, but our other doctor (who we love and has been with us from the beginning) doesn't want to go back in earlier than 3 months post surgery.
Dust is back to work and back to working out. Both of which seem to make him feel good. He is frustrated with the lack of independence that comes with being unable to drive.
We have really been working with Cole to help make him feel extra secure and give him more attention. It seems to be helping quite a bit. He is not panicking as much, and he seems to be getting happier and happier. Sweet kid.
I am no longer sleeping on his floor but one of us does lay with him until he falls asleep. He has gone a few nights (not in a row) without waking up in the night and that is HEAVEN! We've been trying melatonin and it seems to help him fall asleep, but doesn't seem to help him stay asleep.
Sweet Haley is recovering from an ear infection and a nasty virus. She is getting so fun now that she's starting to walk, liking to read books and finally letting me rock her before bed.
She has the funniest little personality! She definitely knows what she wants when she wants it!!! Love that girl.
I have been kind of in a crazy space since this last surgery. I had talked myself into thinking that if I did EVERYTHING in my power to learn all that I needed to learn and in essence speed things along, this trial would get over with more quickly. I became frantic as I listened to conference talks and studied and prayed constantly. It's all I would think about, it's all I would talk about! Really, once I reached the tipping point, it was a quick descent into crazy. Without even realizing it was happening, I found myself koo-koo for cocoa puffs!
I just wanted to do everything that I had control over to prevent all of these people that I love from having any more pain.
Those are all things that are good to do and things I will continue to do, but maybe in a less obsessive manner.
I mean, really though, it was a good plan, right? If trials are to help us learn, to help us become what our Father in Heaven desires for us to be... Let's speed this thing up! I can learn more quickly, I can become more quickly! I can do those things!
As a sweet man in our ward bore his testimony on Sunday, he spoke of the woman who touched the hem of the Savior's garment and was healed. He said he was continually searching for how he could touch the hem of the Savior's garment and be healed.
I think everyone who suffers tries to find the way to free themselves from the pains and heartache they suffer. We know it is only through our Savior, we certainly have the faith for complete healing, so there has to be a reason for the continuation of such madness. Learning and becoming.
Obsessed and frantic, my learning was certainly growing, but who I was becoming was unraveling. Trying harder, doing more. Faster and faster and faster. Around and around and around.
Sheesh! No wonder Cole was stressed out! Poor kid!
As it turns out, trusting in The Lord and His timeline is hard. Taking things into my own hands was the only logical solution. Not quite how it works. But I had to try, right?
With some help, I have started to take some deeeeep breaths. I have decided to let go of control over Dustin's healing. I have decided to live in today - not in what I hope to happen and still believe with my full heart will happen in the future, not in fear of the hardships that lie ahead on this road we are traveling. I have decided to completely and fully trust a loving Father in Heaven. To let His will be done. Not my will, in my limited understanding.
I remember when Dust and I had only been married a few years, we went to Maui with my family. Playing in the waves of the ocean, without a care in the world, we spotted a huge dark shadow in the water. A few years earlier, there had been a 10-foot tiger shark, just where we were swimming. In a panic, my sister, brother, and I screamed and frantically scrambled through the water toward the shore.
Over our shrill screams, I could hear Dust's a low, slow, calm voice. "It's ok. Don't freak out. It's ok. It's ok," he was saying as he slowly backed toward the shore
Just as we were about to break from the water and hit dry land, a giant turtle popped it's head out of the lurking darkness.
In that same calm manner, he has told me over and over again, "It will be ok. Just be calm. Everything will work out." That's not to say, the reality of this hasn't been hard for him, but he really, truly trusts in The Lord. He really, truly trusts in our Father in Heaven. And he doesn't think any frantic attempts to get to the shore quicker will change what they have planned.
So. Today. Dust was able to go to the gym. I snuggled my babies in bed watching Sherriff Callie. I hurried to say my morning prayers as I made pancakes for Haley and Cole and eggs for Dustin. We took daddy to work. On a walk with Gramps, Cole found lots of places to hide, told the budding flowers that he thinks they're 'heading in the right direction!" and sang about everything he was doing. It's always a good day when Cole's life becomes a musical again.
Haley took a nice long nap while mom and Cole played make believe in every corner of the backyard. I laid with Cole and tried to be patient as he talked himself to sleep. I read a few scriptures as I finally had a moment to myself (for the peace it brings to my soul, not out of obsessive thinking).
And tonight we were going to have Crock Pot Italian Chicken, but I left the crock pot on warm from last time, so I will figure something else out and then we will go get Dust and Cole ready for their first Father's and Son's camp out this weekend. And I might actually attempt to get a run in!
Today, at least, is a good day. For the first time in months, my mind is quiet. And it feels so good.
My goal for the week is to not talk about or think about the hard and the sad things ahead and what I could do to fix it, to not even think about the good that is so close I can taste it and to just enjoy Cole today, Haley today, Dustin today, myself today. Even mourning the things that are happening today. Facing, mourning, enjoying the way we are today. Nothing more, nothing less.
