We Are Enough

We live in a world that would have us believe that, as women, we are less than.  That our inherent natures, our divinely designed gender roles are not enough. That we need to do and be so much more than the heavy burdens and responsibilities we already carry.   It is not enough.  WE are not enough.

The world would love to see us feel threatened by the power and majesty a man is capable of.  It would tell us that if we are not afforded the same opportunities men are, it must be because somebody thinks we are weak.

Let me tell you something:  I have never felt more empowered than I do when I am able to truly be my husbands' "helpmeet".  I have never felt stronger than I do when I am able to be what he needs me to be.  I have never felt more beautiful than I do when I am nurturing, nursing, caring for this good man of mine.  It is honorable, not degrading, to serve and love our husbands.  

I see the power I have when the fruits of my efforts to teach and mold my son show up on his face as he carefully thinks about the consequences between a good and bad decision.  I feel so very beautiful when my sweet baby girl looks adoringly up at me as I rock her at night.  She reaches her sweet little hand up to my mouth and my heart is instantly flooded with a love beyond any earthly comparison as my lips kiss the palm of her hand.  I feel strong when my son has run too far away at the park and I see him stop in his tracks hearing his boundaries in my voice.

The world wants to take away the very qualities in us that make us powerful, strong, unique and beautiful and at the same time take away the honor and responsibilities of our men.  To distort our view of the feminine qualities to make them seem subordinate.  To ever so slowly, ever so slyly, chip away at the things that make our men powerful, strong, unique and stalwart.

I see such greatness and nobility in my husband when I step aside and allow him to "protect, provide and preside" over our family.  Part of his divinely designed role is the responsibility to hold the priesthood, the ability to act in the name of God to help and serve others. Why would I ever want to take that away from him?!  I LOVE watching him be the man he was designed to be!

I love looking to my husband for guidance as he has become my hero over the last ten years.  I love seeing the adoration, confidence and comfort our kids find in him.  I love watching him use the power of the priesthood with pure intent, increasing faith and humility toward our Heavenly Father.

The strength inside my husband does not make me feel weak.  He wasn't designed to make me feel threatened or less than.  We were designed to complement each other - to use our individual strengths to lift, strengthen and fuel each other.  Together we are powerful beyond measure.

Together we share the responsibility to raise our children in love and righteousness - to lead by example in teaching them to love and serve others.  How do we do that if we are constantly struggling for the upper hand?   We cannot expect our children to love and serve others when we are wrapped up in ourselves and our own pride.

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." (The Family - A Proclamation to the World).

God created men and women separate and distinct.  He created us as different crucial parts working together toward the same goal.

If I have learned anything in the last six months, I have learned that our Heavenly Father has a purpose in each and everything He does.  Each characteristic, each responsibility has a divine purpose in making us who He needs us to be, who we were destined to be.

I am not saying that, as women, some of our roles should not be outside the home.  I am saying that those decisions should not be made out of fear, feelings of inadequacy  or desires to be the reigning and supreme gender.  They are decisions that should be made with the direction and assurance of our Father in Heaven.   He knows us.  He loves us.  He wants to see us all achieve our divine destiny.  If we listen, He will guide us there.

We will notice a distinct difference in the way we feel and the people we become when the spirit of the Holy Ghost is fueling our direction than we do when the adversary does.

I think it's time we embrace who we are and stop worrying about who we are not.  It's time to walk tall, to stand proud and show the world who we are destined to be!

We are daughters of a Heavenly king.  We are mothers.  We are wives.  We are daughters.  We are sisters. We are friends.

We serve.  We teach. We guide. We nurture.  We love.  We provide solace.

We strengthen our homes and our families as we exemplify "faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity, and virtue." (Young Women Theme)

We are beautiful.  We are strong.  We are powerful.  We are enough.

Birthday Week

With all of this talk of eye charts and visual acuity, I finally broke down and went to the eye doctor (for the first time since junior high).

I have sat in many patient rooms over the last six months as they pulled up the eye chart in the small square mirror on the wall.  I could probably close my eyes and recite the letters from memory.  This, however, was the first time I was the patient, so I tried to be as honest as I could be.  (Although, it would be impossible for me not to say the V is a V even when it REALLY looks like a Y, because I know it's a V and that would be silly to lie about it.)

Sitting in the patient chair myself, the doctor asked what the middle line of letters read.  It wasn't hard to do the math and quickly figure out where my vision rested.  Almost as quickly as I figured out that I had 20/40 in my right eye and 20/30 in my left, I realized that Dustin can read the charts better than I can!  I was surprised to find that fact making me grin from ear to ear for the rest of the day.

I LOVE that my husband, who was told he would NEVER see even a speck of light again - who's eyes were "damaged beyond repair" - can see at least two lines further down on the eye chart than my unscathed eyes!  I truly stand all amazed!

I was also the biggest baby when they put they eye drops in my eyes. I almost couldn't handle it!  Which was really funny to me because Dust has never flinched nor has he once complained with all the drops and ointments that go into his eyes every day.

Then on Wednesday it was my favorite day of the year.  The day (er week) that everyone has to do everything I want and shower me with surprises.  You guessed it.... It was MY BIRTHDAY!  

I really just love my birthday!  I know that I'm getting to the age where I should start hating it, but I'm honestly not sure that will ever happen.

After waking up with snuggles from my two little munchkins, we went upstairs to find that Dust had ordered and stayed up until midnight putting together the bike trailer/jogger I have been wanting for quite a while now.  Resting on top of the handle bars was the sweetest letter from my amazing husband.

A few tears later, I loaded the kids in (still in their jammies) with a whole bunch of snacks and off we went!  

I picked Dust up a few hours early from work to go get his CT scan up at the U of U hospital, which was actually kind of nice because we got to spend rest of the afternoon together.  (Only to be interrupted by a few.... ok a LOT of work calls.)  The doctors wanted Dust to get another CT scan so they can see where all the plates and bones have settled to help them in making a game plan for the next surgery.

After that, we took the kids to the park.

We made it home just in time for the babysitter to arrive.  Dust surprised me by scheduling a  babysitter and planning a sweet little dinner date for just the two of us - all by himself!  (Big deal around here!)

The birthday celebrations continued the next day at lunch with my sis-in-laws and mother-in-law and some shopping.

And then the next day at the park with my sis and some friends.

On Friday morning, I woke up to this on Dustin's Instagram.

Once again, "The Eye of the Tiger" started playing in my mind as I read his post.  (see this blog post from November 17 if you don't know what I'm talking about)  It's really crazy to me to read that post and think about how we felt in that moment.  

Some days it honestly felt like there would be no light at the end of the tunnel, because that tunnel had decided to cave in on us.  But as I watched Dust struggle to squat his diminished body weight, I saw something spark in him.  

For the last few months, I have seen Dustin day after day, handful by handful, do the work to dig himself out of the hole he found himself buried deep in.  I've seen him do this in many different areas, but it's fun to have tangible evidence of the persistent and unfailing hard work he has put in.  It's nothing short of majestic to see the dirt under his fingernails and the sunlight on his face.

I am so proud of this strong, determined, resilient man!  Less than six months after the accident that melted 35 pounds off his already lean body, just shy of four months after beginning to build himself back up physically, he has made it back to his goal weight!

Watching Dust reach that goal, seeing that fire back in his eyes about the things he loves to do, and realizing he can see better than I can were the very best birthday gifts I could have wished for this year!  The jogger and dinner with my love just made it that much sweeter.  

Oh, I love this man!  Can I say that enough?  I'm sorry if it gets annoying, but I really really adore this great man of mine.

Aaaand finally, we had my last birthday celebration of the year last night by diving in to a very large, very delicious German chocolate cake with my family in Arizona.

That, my friends, is a birthday week!

I want to make our Arizona trip it's own little post, so look for that in the next few days (if I get on top of the post-trip laundry).

Ask

Yesterday morning I decided to sacrifice some sleep so I could get a run in before I had to take Dust to work.

I walked through the neighborhood to warm up. Turning onto the main road for my usual three miles, I picked up the pace to match the rhythm of the music blaring through my head phones.

Feeling anxious and stressed before I took off, I was really hoping for a release of some tension.  For me, running makes me feel alive.  Usually as my heart rate rises and crisp morning air fills my lungs, my body feels strong and all my stresses begin to fade from my mind - all of which makes my soul feel so good.

Yesterday was different.   Katy Perry's "Firework" beating in my ears just wasn't cutting it for me.  My chest still felt tight, my body sluggish, my mind still weighed down by a pile of small stresses.  House plans... upcoming surgery... a few family members I have been wanting to help... and on and on.

With my breath matching my stride, my mind flashed back to a Stake Women's Conference I attended a few weeks ago where our amazing Stake President said something very profound.

President Strong was talking about how to best organize our time for "The Things that Matter Most."  He told us that it goes against God's nature and His laws to give us anything we do not ask for.  Our minds are very limited, but His knows no bounds.

Why would we think that we can come up with the very best solution to this problem of organizing our time efficiently without His help? We might be able to come up with some fair answers to the many stresses of life with our own minds, but with our Heavenly Father there is nothing we cannot sort through and deal with. He can lead us to the very best conclusions.  All we need to do is ask for His help.

I turned Katy Perry down to silent, headphones still in my ears, to say a quick prayer.  I always ask for help with the big problems, but sometimes I figure I shouldn't bother Him with ALL the small, insignificant stresses.

This day, this combination of small, insignificant stresses were just too much for me to work out in my own mind.  The difficulty of my run began to fade as I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father.

I pulled my headphones out of my ears after a few minutes, realizing this was going to be a longer prayer than anticipated.  Small anxieties I didn't even know I was feeling were coming into the conversation.

One by one, problems were addressed and thought through. One by one they were checked off the loaded list I was carrying.

Before I knew it I could see my neighborhood a few blocks ahead. I picked up my speed and my lungs easily drew in air, releasing tension with each exhale.  My body felt stronger, my mind much lighter than it was at the starting line.

How thankful I am for a loving Heavenly Father who hears and answers prayers.  A Heavenly Father I can take all my problems to, big and small.  What a blessing it is to be able to talk to Him, to converse with Him.  Not only to be able to tell Him what's on my mind, but to really converse with Him.  To be on the receiving end of His counsel, to be able to listen and feel His solutions fill my heart.  I am thankful for guidance from strong and righteous leaders.  It is so amazing to have the spirit of the Holy Ghost remind us of words spoken at moments when they will be most helpful in navigating through the trials, no matter how mundane they might seem.

I do want to clarify something from my last post. Yes, I am terrified about the next surgery. But I am not scared about the outcome. I have full and complete faith in The Lord and His plan and His promises.  I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that things will turn out just the way they should. 

What I am terrified about is the short term - the temporary pain and anguish.   I don't know if I can take the anxiety of sitting in the surgical waiting room as surgeons perform tedious and delicate surgery on my sweet husbands face, eyes, bones. And knowing the torturous recovery that follows is literally excruciating for me.  I watch with a heavy heart and wish so badly I could physically take away some of his pain.

But we will do it.  We will press forward, no matter how terrifying.

"For with God, nothing shall be impossible." (Luke 1:37)

Surgery Plans

At Dustin's doctor appointment last week, Dustin's surgeon said over and over again how very happy he is with the healing that has been made.  He still thinks it would be best to wait another month and has decided that the next surgery will be during the first week of April.  That makes the surgery probably only a few days before Haley's first birthday.  Ugh.

We have been busy with normal life this last week, and that feels really good.  Dust has been going to the gym earlier and earlier.  He's also been going to work earlier and earlier, which has been a little difficult for me.  I am NOT a morning person.  

I think he learned his lesson last Tuesday when he woke me up with a "HEY!  Get up!  You have to take me to work!"  Since that day, I have been ever so gently woken up each morning with a kiss on my forehead.  Much better.

I try to get up as he gets in the shower, hurry to make some eggs for breakfast, and drag the kids out of their slumber to drive daddy to work.

I remember about a week into December, Dust saying to me that he wasn't going to go to church, work or the gym until after the next surgery.  I think he felt self-conscious and just wasn't emotionally ready.  As I look back at the strides he has made in a few short months, I can't help but to be overwhelmed with pride.  Pride and gratitude for the kindness that has been shown to him and the heavenly help he has received. 

He was having a friend come to the house to train him in his work-outs for a while.  One morning, he put his gym clothes on and said that friend was coming to pick him up to go to the gym.  When the doorbell rang, I hurried upstairs to tell him thanks for getting Dust to go to the gym.

"It was Dustin's idea!" he told me.  I was blown away.  I know I have said it before, but there is not anything this man can't or won't overcome.  But having so many who rally behind you and really truly care how you are doing when they ask "How are you?" make the ability to overcome a little bit less of a struggle.

With friends and family cheering him on from the stands and many chanting his name as they play along side him on the field, Dust has been busy building himself back up in every area of his life.  

Just last weekend at the Grizzley's game

With a proud smile on his face, he showed me his weight yesterday.  After dropping 35 pounds on the applesauce and Ensure diet, he is just two-and-a-half pounds shy of his pre-accident weight.  He hasn't missed a week of church since the middle of December and is back with his Priests, making knives and strengthening testimonies.  He is loving his new office at work and was able to begin a new project last week.  This is a guy who thrives on being needed and useful. 

I could never express how thankful I am for the crowded stadium rooting for my sweet family - those who cheer from a distance and those with grass-stained knees and mud on their faces.  I am eternally thankful for a kind and loving Savior, who knows just exactly what we need when we need it.  Water, gatorade, even a short time-out to rest on the bench.

So, next up - CT Scan in a week.  A week after that, we meet with the facial plastics and the oculoplastics surgeons to talk about the game plan. Then two weeks after that, surgery again. I am terrified. Really. Truly. Terrified.

We can do this. We can do this. We can do hard things.

Normal

I recently went to a wedding.  I sat in the audience and watched this sweet couple, with stars in their eyes, make promises to each other – promises of trust, loyalty, unconditional love. 

As I watched them promise to stand side-by-side and hand-in-hand through good times and bad, tears streamed down my face. I turned to my mom and said, “Now I know why people cry at weddings – these two have NO IDEA what is ahead of them!”

Now, I realize this is a pessimistic thought to have.  But did you?  Did you have any idea what you were in for?  It's not our faults, really.  In every fairytale, after the princess found her prince, what did they do?  They lived happily ever after. That's it. The end! 

Look around Facebook and Pinterest.  Isn’t it all just full of roses and lollypops?  Full of smiling, happy faces, gorgeous homes, elaborate vacations.  Don’t you know that everyone (besides you) has the time every day of the week to not just figure out dinner, but plan brilliant healthy snacks, crafts and activities to make their kids much smarter than yours, organize and clean every little space in their homes, make their own kitchen table from wood scraps from the lumber yard, get to the gym, shower AND get ready, only to pull the rolls out of the oven at the end of the day, looking fabulous in their high heels, as their husbands stroll through the front door, flowers in hand, to plant a kiss on their forehead.

This is normal, right?  Things are just supposed to be in a constant state of bliss and perfection. Well, if this is normal – something must be wrong with me.  I managed to get a 30 minute run and a shower in today, but hey!  It’s only 4:07 (in the afternoon) – there’s still time!

I have been struggling since our lives were turned upside-down, desperate to find “normal”.  I’ve really had to step back, and think about the concept of “normal”.

One of my closest friends lost her second baby a few years ago.  Her new "normal" includes visits to the cemetery, a tender bruise on her heart, heaven a little closer to her home and a stronger testimony of eternal families.

Another one of my very best friends has a dad who was severely injured in an accident when she was really young.  She grew up with a very different normal than I did.  But their "normal" was beautiful and filled to the brim with the spirit.

My sweet older brother has a really great job in Arizona. His little family lives in Texas, due to a geographical restriction in a court document concerning his step-son.  His current "normal" is found on 2 am weekend flights to and from Texas, so he can see his beautiful wife, sweet baby girl and spunky step-son.

As the extremely abnormal post-trauma circumstances wear off, we find ourselves creating a new “normal”.  Our normal includes eye medication morning and night, a little bit later morning gym time than Dust is used to, and rides to and from work instead of driving himself.  Our new normal includes more headaches (all around), less sleep, and a lot more doctor visits.

As far as normalcy is concerned, I think we have both been having a hard time finding a groove. Our new normal might be different than it used to be, but it does have traces of our old, more comfortable normal.  

Just today I found normal in the sound of my feet striking the pavement, in watching my kids play outside and enjoy the sun, in the sound of the keyboard as I pour my heart onto a page.  I find normal as I kneel to talk with my Heavenly Father alone in the morning, with my little family in the evening and with my sweet husband at night. 

Dust finds his normal in the inner strength he feels with each weight he lifts at the gym, in the confidence in himself he gains with each new task he attempts and accomplishes.   Normal surrounds him when he is greeted with a "Daddy!!!" and little arms are wrapped around his neck as he walks through the door around 5 o'clock in the evening.  

I feel normal when my anxiety level goes up as I rush to finish up showering, because Haley wakes up earlier than expected from her nap, crying in her crib.  I felt normal on Valentine's Day when Dust gave me flowers, chocolate and a card, but failed to plan an amazingly romantic night for the two of us and we ended up watching a movie with our sick babies.  I hate to admit it, but I feel normal when I lose my temper over something small and then spend three days apologizing.

Sometimes what is normal today can be really hard.  To be blunt, sometimes the normal we find ourselves stuck in really sucks!  BUT normal is ever evolving, continuously changing.  What was our every day normal just three months ago is now just a memory.  The days of cleaning a trach site, feeding Dust Ensure through a feeding tube, and giving him medication every two hours while our family raises our children seem like a lifetime ago. 

Today's normal can be so very frustrating and discouraging.  But the things that are a part of our every day normal life today will be so very different a year from now, three years from now, ten years from now.  It won't ever be like the normal we had six months ago (before the accident), but it can still be just as satisfying and full.

Each and every day I pray that Dust feels more normalcy in everything he does.  I pray that he finds happiness and peace in his new normal.  I pray that together we find the courage to accept the new normals that are here to stay and the strength to change any negative or harmful things that could so easily become part of this new normal.

Our new normal is not perfect.  Our old normal was not perfect.  Pinterest can try it's hardest to convince us, but perfect is not normal - as much as we wish it were.  

Our new normal is in a completely different realm than we ever would have imagined it would be on that beautiful August day seven years ago, when we looked into each other's eyes and promised to stand side-by-side and hand-in-hand through the peaks and canyons that life has in store for us.  

We truly had NO IDEA how deep those canyons could run nor how high that tallest peak would be, but I am confident that our normal has a carefully planned "happy ending" written by our Savior and our Father in Heaven.  It might not be what we imagined it would be in the beginning, but it is a normal that will again find it's groove and will be crucial in helping us to become who they intended for us to be.  

 So, what really is "normal" anyway?  Who cares!  Who cares what the rest of the world says is normal!  An abnormal garden filled with strange and different flowers can be just as beautiful, if not more so than an ordinary garden. It all depends on the time and energy the gardener spends on helping it to flourish. I’m hoping our new normal is found in the care and love given to each and every flower (including my own).

Here's to embracing our crazy, mixed-up and abnormal normals.  Here's to finding happiness and love in the situations we find ourselves in at this very moment.  And here's to not beating ourselves up because our "normal" doesn't fit the picture we painted in the beginning. 

Sickies... and Exciting News!

I don't know what it is about having to stay strong for an extended amount of time that just makes your body crash!  Over the past few months, our immune systems have decided that they would make up for their surge in protection and leave us fighting all sorts of viruses. No fun!

Just this last week alone, I got the cold/flu (body aches, chills, nausea) and then I was up all night with the stomach flu, Cole got pink eye in both eyes, Haley had an ear infection and tummy trouble, Dust had sinus issues. Sheesh!

Dust has been able to avoid a lot of our viruses - thank heaven (and thank the minimum of two packets of Emergen-C he downs every day and the On-Guard he takes every night).

In some very exciting news.... We are West Bountiful's newest land owners! We have been praying and praying, trying to find the right spot for our little fam.  After a visit to the temple, some negotiating on Dust's part, and a zero interest lot loan (thanks Dad!), we feel confident that we have found it!  We were able to close on Friday, making it the perfect Valentine's Day present to ourselves!  Phew!  The stress of finding a location is off our back!

Now comes the stress of making home building decisions (on a serious budget) and hoping that somehow I can talk the Mr. into a few unnecessaries that I find oh, so necessary (on said serious budget).  I am coming to terms with not being able to have a screened porch, though. Even though I feel like my soul NEEDS a screened porch.

We are both so very excited to have this project to throw ourselves into and the prospect of a new home for our little family to look forward to.  It will be a fun distraction, that's for sure.

Although, I am wishing I had taken a carpentry class so I could figure out how to build furniture. Do they teach that in carpentry class?  Eh, I'm sure I'll figure it out (or I'll make Dust do it for me).

Since the accident, we have been debating on whether to build or to just buy and then build in a few years when Dust has recovered more fully, so that he can do a lot of the work himself.  He only really thought about just buying for a minute, here and there

We find ourselves in kind of a precarious situation. We don't know what the future holds as far as surgeries and medical opportunities for Dustin's healing, but we know that it's time to move forward in finding our own little space.

It is a little hard to think we might be breaking ground on our house around the time Dust goes in for his next surgery. We know that we will have to be so very careful with our "reserves", because we don't know how everything will play out.  We don't know a lot of things - and that is scary.  BUT what we do know is that this feels like the right decision and the right time.  So, we will just go forward with faith and hope for a bright future ahead!

I have to say that I am just so impressed by Dustin's readiness to move forward, his eagerness to not let anything hold him back, his willingness to put his head down and his shoulder to the wheel.

Oh, I just love this man so much. I love our beautiful lives together. We are so very blessed.

The Day We Met

In honor of LOVE week, I thought I'd try to recall some of the favorite memories I have with my Dust.  Get ready for some total cheesiness! 

Dust and I met during the summer before 7th grade. I had a fresh new "Rachel" from the tv show "Friends" haircut in preparation for Junior High and Dust was sporting a skinny little 7th grader body and a gap between his two front teeth.

I hadn't really ever hung out with boys before - not since I had been bitten by the "boy crazy" bug anyway.

One of my elementary school girlfriend's had a darling friend who had a cousin that was a boy and he had lots of cute friends. We had an "in" to get to hang out with some boys - "Eeek!"

I can remember walking down Jennings Lane with butterflies in my stomach. Squealing with excitement, I had to keep taking deep breaths to remind myself to BE COOL.

About half-way down the street we could make out that there were three boys, sitting on a picnic table. My girlfriends and I began to grab at each other's hands excitedly and squeal under our breath. BE COOL, we reminded ourselves.

One boy jumped up and started showing off by joking around with the other two.

They awkwardly pretended not to notice us as we crossed the road, stepped up onto the curb and walked across the grass.

And there he was. Sitting on top of the picnic table with his knees bent, feet flat on the bench. I still remember the way he was leaned forward, his forearms draped across his knees so casually.

He was looking down at something in the grass, trying to act like it was no big deal that three girls just walked up.

"Dust!" his cousin forced him to break his concentration. "This is Kellie and Ashley."

BE COOL! BE COOL!

He sat up and leaned back onto his hands as he moved his gaze from his cousin to Kellie and said hi.

My heart fluttered when our eyes met for only a second before he shyly looked away.

And God smiled.

Build

Two days before Dustin got his vision back, he held me tight as we lay in his hospital bed.  Totally surrounded by darkness, he clung to me like my little Cole clings to his teddy bear.  

With tears streaming down his face he told me, "I just want to see my kids grow up.  I want to watch Cole throw a baseball, I want to see my beautiful Haley on her wedding day, I want to build our house on that lot."  These are just a few of the many dreams he has for himself.

About an hour later, he asked our dads to give him a priesthood blessing.  There were many beautiful things said in every blessing Dustin received.  The most beautiful, to me, in this particular blessing was seeing Heavenly Father in direct conversation with my sweet Dust.

With their hands on his head, my sweet dad said, "Dustin, your Heavenly Father is aware of the dreams and desires that you have for your life.  He wants you to know that your dreams and your goals are all still in tact."

If anybody knows Dustin (or his dad (or his grandpa)), they know that he ALWAYS has a project going.  Saturdays are generally filled with either hunting, snow mobiling, or building something.  It used to drive me nuts, because he can't ever just relax and do nothing on a Saturday.  

Building, doing, going (and going and going).  These are things that are ingrained in Dust.  My dad was right when he said that Dust was born to build things.  Not only is he naturally talented in this arena, throughout his childhood he was taught how to focus and perfect those skills. One of his earliest memories is nailing about 100 nails into a piece of wood as his dad finished their basement.

After graduating in Construction Management from Weber State, Dust went to work for Jacobsen Construction.  Then a few years ago, he was given an opportunity to work for Green Construction.  This is his life.  He goes, he does, he builds.

In fact, a few years ago, the amazing Sandy Rast asked Dust to pose for this perfect painting of our Savior.  I've heard her say that the man who posed for this painting is 6'2" just like Jesus and is a carpenter just like Jesus. (And I would argue that, while he's not perfect, he has many Christlike attributes).

His whole life has lead him to be a man who builds.  And so, lying there, unable to see and in fear of what his future would hold was pretty terrifying to my Dust.  Even months after his vision returned, it was hard for him to see through the small, blurry, hazy window and his depth perception was way off.  He definitely had fears about how things were going to play out.

I didn't really think anything of it myself, because I knew that eventually he will be back to full health and strength.  But, I also knew Dust and I knew that no matter what the temporary situation holds, he will find a way to do all the things he has always wanted to do.  What doesn't come easily, will come with work.  Work he is willing to do.

We are currently trying to get a lot and Dust has been unsure of what he will be able to as far as building a house for our little family.  

This last weekend, he went with his dad to help our brother-in-law work on their basement that they are finishing.  They worked all day long and I stopped by around 4 pm.  I found him working on closet shelves in one of the bedrooms.  With his back to me, a measuring tape in his hand and a pencil behind his ear, I saw the Dust I have always loved.  I thought, how could this have drove me nuts six months ago and in this very moment make me fall more in love with him?

It was so amazing to me to see Dust in his element, to see promises from our Heavenly Father start working into fruition. 

Curious, I asked him how it was - if it was harder than before.  He told me that it was different, but not too hard.  "It made me excited to build our house!" he said.

And I, for one, cannot wait to see him in action!  I love that he gets to continue this legacy that has been passed down from his grandpa to his dad, from his dad to Dust.  I love that the legacy will not end with Dust.  What a sweet and amazing blessing.

Also, Dust went his first day yesterday without Tylenol or Ibuprofen since September 20!  He has been off of the heavier pain meds since the middle of December.

These Two

I've had many people ask me how Cole (our two-and-a-half year old son) has been affected by Dustin's accident.  The moment he saw his daddy for the first time, is a moment that I will never forget.

Dustin didn't want Cole to see him for a while.  He was worried that he would be scared.  It literally broke my heart to think of how it would make Dust feel if Cole was scared of his sweet, injured dad.

Now, up until the accident, Cole had been such a Momma's boy that it would take him a little while to warm up when Daddy came home.  Don't get me wrong, he adored his dad and his dad adored him, but he was interrupting Mommy/Coley time!  Dust would be patient as Cole would warm up.  Then they would spend hours wrestling, playing soccer or basketball, and grunting and growling at each other.

To be honest, I thought it would take Cole days to not be scared or cling to me when Dust was around.  Everyone tried to prepare him by saying that Daddy had an "owie on his eyes" and I had even shown him a little video on my phone of Dust walking around with the help of some physical therapists when he was still blind.

Dust's sweet sister Stacie had taken over my job as Mommy for weeks after the accident (and then even longer after the surgery).  Her amazing little family just took him in like he was their own.

One day, about two weeks after the accident, Dust's mom brought Cole over to my mom's house to see me.  Dust was downstairs in his hospital bed.  As per his request, we tried to keep Cole upstairs.

"I need to see my daddy!  I need my daddy!" He kept saying as he tried to force his way down the stairs.  He eventually got himself down the stairs, burst into our bedroom, and RAN to his daddy's side.  

"Daddy!!!!"  He was so excited!  He didn't seem to care one tiny bit what his daddy looked like.  He just needed him.  To see him.  To touch him.  To know that he was still here.

"Coley!  Hi, buddy!" Dust said with such enthusiasm, I instantly knew that I wasn't in trouble for allowing Cole to force his way down there.  It is amazing how one little determined boy can lift his daddy's spirits.

Cole has been Dustin's constant sidekick since that day.  I have never seen a two-year-old so compassionate and loving.  It's almost as if he can sense how close we came to losing his daddy.

After Dustin's surgery, he felt the same way he did after the accident.  Being trached, unable to talk, he was afraid of how that would affect Cole.  Cole didn't care one bit!  I didn't even realize that Cole noticed anything until the day Dustin got the speaking valve on his trachea and Cole asked, "Mommy, can my daddy talk now?"

One night after the surgery, I had taken a shower and Dust did Cole's bedtime routine.  I was walking past Cole's room to our bedroom and noticed that Dust was lying on Cole's bed with him.  As I got closer, I could hear Dustin breathing deep and I could see Cole's arm moving.  

Dust was fast asleep, lying close to the wall on his side with his face toward Cole and his arm under Cole's head, his other arm draped over Cole's body.  Cole was curled up in his dad's embrace.  I watched as Cole slowly and gently ran his sweet little fingers down the side of Dustin's face over and over again.  His eyes were open as he took in the beauty of my sweet husband's face and softly brushed his hand over Dustin's injuries.  

He heard me and turned his head to look at me, "Shhhh, Mommy.  My daddy is sleeping."

This wouldn't be the last time I would see Cole do this.  In fact, he does it quite a bit.  They love each other with such intensity, it is amazing to watch.  

Often, I find my handsome boys snuggled up together watching a movie or playing together.  Oh, they play so hard together!  Cole inspires Dust to get up and out and do things that he might not otherwise do in such a painful and hard recovery.

Dustin has been going back to work regularly.  Every day, as we drop him off, Cole says, "My daddy don't wants to go to work!  I don't want my daddy to go to work!"  Dust goes around to Cole's door, opens it up, gives him a kiss and tells him he loves him.  Then Cole makes me roll down his window to yell "I love you daddy!" before Dust walks inside.

Whenever Dust is not around, Cole tells me, "My daddy needs me."  They are literally oxygen to each other.

So, to answer the question of how the accident has affected Cole - It has made him stronger, more resilient.  It has made him more compassionate and observant.  It has made his bond with his daddy firm, strong, unbreakable.  They are so blessed to have each other and I am so blessed to be able to watch them together.  I'm so very thankful that our Heavenly Father gave this daddy his strong son and this son his courageous daddy.

And the Next Surgery Will Be....

... postponed.  Are you surprised?  Ha.  We were thinking the next surgery would be February 6th, but Dustin's surgeon wants to wait until the scar tissue around his eyes and on his nose loosens up a bit more.  

Dustin's eye openings are not centered over his eyes and they aren't fully functioning.  This next surgery will be to try to correct that.  They are hoping to remove some plates and shave off bone on the outside of Dust's nose toward his left eye.  They will then put wires through the tendons to pull the eye openings closer together.  Dr. Gociman explained that if he does this too early, before Dustin has loosened up the scar tissue enough to move the openings significantly, they run the risk of having to do another surgery later to try again.  

This is not for a lack of effort on Dustin's part.  He is constantly working on massaging his face and loosening up that scar tissue.  The good news is that a month ago, the eye openings were completely stuck, unable to move at all, and now they are moving "quite a bit more."  So, the scar tissue is breaking up, but he thinks one or two more months will do the trick. 

They are also thinking they will try to pull the eyes themselves forward in this next surgery.  The eye surgeon told us that it poses a 10% risk to the vision he has in his left eye, which is scary.  But with the eye in the right position, we are hoping his peripheral vision will significantly improve.  We have to trust in the end result we have been promised, so as we think and pray about this, we feel like it's a necessary step toward that "full health and strength."

Dustin's nose might get a little beefier in the next surgery as well.

I have to say that I found myself more than a little relieved that the surgery was postponed.  While it would be really good to get the surgery over with, I'm not sure that I'm ready for it.  Watching Dustin recover from the last surgery was the single most painful experience of my life.  I'm scared.  Really scared.  I have to keep reminding myself how far he's come in two-and-a-half months since the last surgery and that nothing that painful lasts forever.

We also had a very disappointing doctor appointment on Tuesday.  The retina specialist told us that the retina in Dustin's right eye has detached again and that scar tissue is forming behind it.  Dustin and I have both really hoped that his right eye would stay in seeing shape for stem-cells down the road, if it came to that.  When we asked if we could do surgery again to fix it, so when that technology comes around he will be able to see out of it, the doctor said no.  He said we would only run the risk of causing a painful blind eye and that he will never see out of it.

It's never fun to hear something like that.

I was told in a priesthood blessing right after the accident to hold to the things that I know to be true.  SO... I know that our Heavenly Father is guiding Dustin's healing and He is guiding our lives.  I know that the promises He has made Dustin are real and are the same promises they were when he was completely blind.  I know "how powerful and amazing His works are.  There's nothing He can't or won't do for us," as my brother so eloquently put it.  I also know that if Dustin's vision comes back to his right eye through doctors down the road or through another true miracle directly from our Heavenly Father's hand or even if it doesn't come back at all - that it is part of the plan that our Heavenly Father has for us.  I trust in Him.  I love Him.

And lastly, I KNOW that we have been blessed beyond measure.  I have my amazing, strong husband to stand by my side.  I get to wrap my myself in his arms and hear him tell me that he loves me.  I get to experience Cole and Haley with him.  And those are some of my very sweetest blessings.

Things will work out.  They will.

The Sunshine House

We were able to escape the nasty inversion this last week and make our way down to sunny Arizona - or what we like to call "The Sunshine House"!  My sweet parents booked us to fly down at just the most perfect time.  Sunshine, 70 degrees, and an ecstatic two-year-old who now thinks a swimming pool means "get naked" - are all things that are so very good for the soul!

These kiddies were loving life!  There is something about feeling that sun soak into your skin that makes a person smile!  There is also something about seeing everyone you love smile that makes your heart feel light!

It was a really fun little getaway.  We didn't have much of an agenda, just made sure to hit the pool at some point every day and eat at good restaurants every night!  Now, that's my kind of vacation!  

You can be sure Dust hit the gym EVERY single day (except Sunday).  Ten more pounds and he'll be back up to his pre-accident weight!  I am in awe of him daily - who he is and how hard he works.  He will not let anything hold him back.  I am so proud to be his wife.  

As for me - my feet, my legs, my lungs - oh, it felt so good to get out in that sun and just run!!!  Also, I did conquer my paralyzing fear of heights by climbing a rock wall (three times).  The last time I tried it, I climbed as high as I could possibly climb.  Shaking and on the verge of tears, I begged Dust to come help me down.  He laughed as he walked over to the wall and reached up to touch my shoe.  (It's much MUCH higher than it looks in the photo... But really it is.)  I didn't want to post a photo, but there had to be proof.

The whole gang went to the Phoenix Zoo on Saturday - fed some giraffes, rode some camels, played with some monkey's.

 I know that I sound like a broken record when I say this, but watching Dust at the Zoo filled my heart with gratitude.  I can't even describe how it feels to watch him walk around the Zoo with Cole on his shoulders, pointing out all the animals, realizing that life could have been so different.  A simple day at the Zoo could have been SO very different. 

With a few days left in Arizona, poor Haley developed her third terrible ear infection in three months, complete with a fever and no sleep.  That, a runny nose, and two teeth that won't burst through the gums made for a very sad baby.  It's a good thing she has so many people who love to cuddle her!  Even at 2 am so mom could get some sleep (thanks grammy!).

All-in-all, we had a really great time visiting with my fam and playing in the sunshine!  Now, back to reality!

Life in 2013

The end of one year and beginning of a new one forces you to do two things.  One of those things is really pretty hard for me to do.  Looking back.  Looking back brings up a whole mess of emotions for me.  It is painful to look at our sweet, simple life - our beautiful, happy family up until the day our lives changed forever.  But at the same time it makes me so grateful for the beautiful life we have had.  It makes me even more grateful that 99.9% of those things that made life so immensely beautiful are things that we still have.

Twelve months ago, 

We were welcoming in 2013 at Dustin's family's ranch in Star Valley, Wildoming.  Cole was one-and-a-half and a few months away from becoming a "BIG broda."  We were on the lookout for a lot or a house, as we were soon about to grow out of our first home.  

Eleven Months ago,

Life was moving way too fast!  I was feeling bad that Cole's whole life was about to change and wondering how we could possibly love another little human as much as we love our sweet Cole.

We went on a little trip without Daddy to escape the inversion.  We headed down to Arizona with my family, where Cole worked tirelessly on his golfing skills and sent messages to daddy back home.

Dustin's sister had the first of four baby girls born in our family this year.

Ten months ago,

We celebrated Coley's second birthday. Our house had been up for sale since we found out we were expecting a new little one.  Conveniently, it went under contract and would finalize the day before Haley was due.  We decided to move out a few weeks early.  We didn't have the time or energy to find a new home before baby number two arrived, so we moved in to my parents basement.

Nine months ago,

We welcomed our sweet Haley Jean.  Coley was completely enamored with her from the get-go, we all were!  He loved to kiss her and hold her.  Any time she made the slightest noise, he would squeal with delight, "Haley's awake!"  And run to where she was as fast as his little legs would carry him.  The only person she ever wanted to cuddle with was her handsome daddy.  It's safe to say, we molded into a family of four effortlessly.

Eight months ago,

We were busy falling in love with this sweet little face.

Seven months ago,

We were soaking up the summer.  Another niece was born on Dustin's side and we made our way down to Texas to welcome my brother's first baby girl.

Six months ago,

Between Daddy's 28th birthday, Bear Lake, The Ranch, swimming, boating and playing like crazy, our summer was turning out to be the best summer of our lives.  Every single day brought something fun and we were loving every second of it.  Life doesn't get any better than this.

Five months ago,

Dust blessed our beautiful baby girl.  My brother blessed his sweet baby Ivy on that same special day.  

We began really trying to find a lot for Dust to build a house on.  One with plenty of property for Dust's dream life complete with horses, chickens, a barn, a garden and a big project to work on every weekend.  He has this vision of Cole pulling a Red Flyer wagon around to the neighbors houses selling eggs.  The only catch is that it has to fit in with my dream of being in a cute little neighborhood with lots of friends for me and the kids.

Four months ago,

We were enjoying the wind-up of summer with a trip to Dallas.  Daddy and Cole went to a Cowboys game with my family.

Life was moving along so beautifully, so perfectly.  

Until the 20th.  Then life changed a little.  Our perfect plan we had set up for ourselves took a sharp turn onto a path we had never even imagined.

In the last few days of this month, I learned of the strength of my husband, he learned of mine and together we learned of the strength, mercy, love and compassion of our Father in Heaven.

Three months ago,

We learned patience.  Dustin had retina surgery on his right eye and we tried to roll with the punches as his big facial reconstruction was pushed back three or four times.  Our kids were being cared for by our amazing family and friends as I became a full-time nurse.  Though this month carried with it an array of intense emotions, we felt surrounded by the spirit.  We could literally feel the prayers of our friends and family.

Two months ago,

Was the hardest month of our lives to this point.  Dustin endured a 17 hour and 40 minute surgery and an excruciating recovery.  The entire experience was almost too painful to bear.  In every aspect - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.  We felt as though our Heavenly Father saw opportunity for more growth.  He was still there, but He allowed us to bear more of the burden than He did during the month before the surgery.  

It was hard.  Really hard.  But day by day, sometimes minute by minute, we made it through.

One month ago,

I know when people say, "Sometimes it takes a village" they are referring to raising children.  After the December we had, "Sometimes it takes a village" took on a whole new meaning.  I saw the love, compassion, generosity of a "village" bring the smile back to my sweet husband's face, light to his countenance, confidence to his stature.

December was a turning point out of our darkness.  With each device removed from his body, with each show of love and support, with each prayer - pleading for reprieve, more and more light entered our situation.  It wasn't overnight, but slowly and surely we journeyed on with the weight on our shoulders becoming lighter each day.

Today,

We are enduring.  As Dustin says, "You just have to try to have more good in each day than bad."  We are anxiously awaiting the next surgery that will be at the end of January.  More anxiously awaiting the day where no more surgeries are necessary.  

The second thing a New Year forces you to do is look forward at the year ahead and beyond that to what your future holds.  As I told Dust on New Years Day, our life is not going to be something to merely be endured.  Our life is going to be beautiful.  More than that, it is going to be amazing.  And while a short period will be something to endure, we will not feel that way forever.  And you can bet I will do everything in my power to make him happy.  That may be the reason he's out hunting AGAIN this morning! 

Twas the Week Before Christmas

Last week we went to see the Christmas lights at Temple Square.  I'm not sure that there's anything more beautiful.  Except for this sweet family of mine.

We have been doing some last minute Christmas shopping.  It's the 23rd and we are not even close to done.  Agh.  Although, I'm not sure we even needed to do any Christmas shopping as masked men come bearing gifts at our front door.  FYI - my dad was pretty sure the masked man was going to rob us.  When he didn't, he was sure the envelope contained anthrax!  Ha ha ha.  

People are just so kind.  We are so thankful!  Cole is going to be disappointed next Christmas, that's for sure!

And we have been dealing with a house full of sickies!  Fingers crossed we are all better by the time Santa makes his appearance!

It's been so nice to have some normalcy around here!  We have had a good couple of weeks.  Dustin has made it back to the gym, which was a big hurdle for him!  He had been working out at home before that, but was nervous to get back in there.  He's gained back 15 of the 35 lbs he lost!  That might have a little bit to do with the half-and-half and egg nog I've been feeding him!

We were so elated on Tuesday when the eye doctors checked his vision and he tested 20/25!!!  Full health and strength here we come!  The doctor said, "The healing power of the body never ceases to amaze me!"  The healing power of our Heavenly Father never ceases to amaze us!

We also found out that his next surgery will be in the end of January.  They will be pulling his eyes forward a little bit and moving his eyelids closer together.  It makes us nervous to have that much work done on his eyes, but we know what the end result will be so we will go forward in faith!

Late the other night, I found myself running around doing who-knows-what.  I was brought to an abrupt stop at my bedroom doorway.  Amidst my chaos, I found Dust sitting on the floor with his baby girl on his chest.  Whatever I was doing faded into the background as I dropped to the floor behind them.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude.  Nobody in the world would love these kids the way this daddy does.  Nobody in the world could take his place.  

The biggest gift our little family was given this year is the beautiful gift that we are still all here together.  There is no hole, no empty spot at the table.  I couldn't ever ask for anything more than what I have at this very moment.

Back on the Horse

Anyone who knows my husband knows that he’s a “get back on the horse” kind of guy.  True to form, Dust had a “get back on the horse” kind of week. 

I think the Ham Shoot left him with a little more confidence.  He’s been standing a little taller, that’s for sure!  Before the Ham Shoot, he didn’t really want to get out and about as much.  I think he wanted to wait until after his next surgery to get back into things.

This is a guy who HAS to go to the gym on THE DAY we have a baby!  He just can’t stand to not be busy!  He has to be going, going, going all the time.  The pace of things since the accident has been good for his healing, but boy has it been driving him nutso!

So this last week, he went to work!  Well, kind of.  He drove around with his boss/friend to a few job sites, saw a few guys, and went into the office for a little bit!  The Greens are just such great guys with great big hearts.   

We went to church for the first time since the accident!  It felt so good to get back!  It was so fun to see so many of our friends from our ward.

Dust turned Coley's bed into a toddler bed.  We were hoping to keep him in a crib forever, BUT when Daddy was unable to lift more than 10 lbs, Daddy decided to be independent (also very true to form) and get Cole out of his crib himself.

My mom came down the stairs to hear Dust, "Ok, Cole.  You're gonna have to help me out a little bit.  Swing your leg up here.  Swing the other one over too.  And hop out.  High five!  We did it!"

Noooooooooooooo!!!!  That was the end of bed time as we knew it.

He even practiced a little driving!  And did really well!!!

And for the biggest “get back on the horse” moment of the week…  Dust went hunting!!!  On a Ranger!!!  With a seatbelt, of course! 

I was a little nervous before he left.  For obvious reasons!  But mostly I was nervous, because hunting is something Dustin absolutely loves to do.  Most things, whether he loves to do them or not, have proven to be pretty frustrating for Dust since the accident.

It felt just like normal life again to hear him talk his dad into joining him and his cousin Jon; to see him pack his hunting gear and prepare his stuff for the next day.  I even loved hearing his alarm at 5:30 am!

There is no cell service on the mountain they hunt on.  That’s what they tell the women-folk anyway.  Either way, we have to wait until they are heading home to hear from them.

My phone rang at about noon and I immediately knew that I was in trouble.  This hunting habit just turned a little bit more dangerous now that I am on board.  Anything that makes him sound that happy is something I approve of.  Don’t quote me on that.  I may decide to erase all evidence of this at some point in the future.

Dust’s vision is still a little blurry (mostly because of the ointment we have to put on his eyes), but he could see really clearly through the binoculars and the scope of a gun.  He will have to make a little change and shoot left handed, but I’m confident he’ll adapt quickly.

They saw tons of animals and had a blast.  And I breathed a sigh of relief that things went so well!!!

What makes him happy makes me so very happy!

Oh, I just love this man and his gumption!  I am so proud of him – who he is and what he does.

I was reading in his work journal when he was in the hospital the first time and two of the quotes he had written couldn’t be any more fitting for who this great man is:

“We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.  Our character basically is a composite of our habits.  Sow a thought, reap an action.  Sow an action, reap a habit.  Sow a habit reap a character.  Sow a character, reap a destiny.”

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the awareness that something else is more important.”

I know I promised Ham Shoot photos, but we are getting a little slideshow together.  But here's a sneak peak!

In other great news, the feeding tube is out!  Can I hear another HALLELUJAH!?

Dust wanted me to be sure to include a little something on here about all the news attention we have received over the last few months.  We are so happy to be able to share our story with so many people.  That being said, we definitely are not seeking out the media.  Each time someone from the news calls us, we try to figure out some way to get out of it!  “We are going to see the Christmas lights with our family…”  “Oh, that’ll be so perfect!  Can we come interview you there?”  Ha ha.  “Sure.” 

We reluctantly decide to share our story with them.  We know that it is an important message to share.  We feel so blessed to have been given all that we have been given and we have promised our Heavenly Father that we will testify of Him and His power when called upon to do so.

That is not an invitation to call us to do so.  Ha ha.

Ham Shoot

We have been contemplating over the last few days, wondering how we even attempt to do our feelings justice.  How do we ever thank our amazing friends and family for all that you have done for us?  Saturday was a ray of sunshine in the midst of a blizzard – and for those of you who were able to make it up to the Ham Shoot know that I mean a literal blizzard!

When we found out that snowstorm was headed our way, everyone got a little worried.  During the last two months, our close friends and family members have spent hours upon hours putting some serious sweat equity into this event for my sweet husband.  Everyone gave all they had to give.

After the accident, I think everyone felt helpless – desperate to do ANYTHING to help.  I even wanted to give more, do more than I was physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually able to give.  I knew I was doing all that I could possibly do, and yet I wished with my whole heart that I could somehow do more.  So, I can only imagine how everyone else felt.

But instead of just feeling helpless, I saw people go into action. 

Years ago, I sat in a General Relief Society meeting where President Uchtdorf said something that struck my heart:

“The number of prayers we say may contribute to our happiness, but the number of prayers we answer may be of greater importance.  Let us open our eyes and see the heavy hearts, notice the loneliness and despair; let us feel the silent prayers of others around us; and let us be an instrument in the hands of the Lord to answer those prayers.”

I can’t even count the number of instruments the Lord has had in his hands and used directly for us!  Our hearts have been touched and our spirits have been lifted by so many willing to just do whatever they could think of to do that might help.  Let me tell you, everything – big or small – has helped more than anyone will ever know.  Every thought, every act of kindness, every gift – be it an actual gift or a gift of the heart – has helped us put one foot in front of the other and continue on this hard road we are on.

It was a little over two months ago when three different groups decided separately that they wanted to do a Ham Shoot for Dust.  They found out about each other, joined forces and holy moly!!!  They created an ARMY (also known as “The Committee”)!  They had dream to not only help us with the mounting medical bills, but to help my amazing husband truly know how much he is loved.

“The Committee” worked tirelessly and as they worked, we were able to stand back and watch our entire community rally to support us in this incredibly difficult time of our lives.

Almost daily, we were completely amazed by the incredibly generous donations that came rolling in.  Dust and I would laugh in disbelief, as our phones would vibrate simultaneously with another group text, to inform us of the next grand donation.  The excitement for the coming event was building and building with each new day.  We could just hear it in the voices of “The Committee” members every time we talked to them.

So, when the weatherman came on the news to tell us that the biggest snowstorm of the year was brewing, anxiety set in. 

On Friday night, Dust and I watched (and tried to help) “The Committee” work for hours, setting up the tent and the clubhouse.  The massive tent was bursting with one-dollar and five-dollar raffle prizes and silent auction items, ready for the next morning.  My heart was just sick, thinking that a terrible whiteout would most certainly discourage people from coming.  And just as much as I wanted everyone who contributed to feel satisfied in the success of the day, I so wanted Dust to feel how very much he is loved by so many people.

I got on my knees and prayed, as I know many people did, that the storm would split and leave us with a gloriously beautiful day.  My sweet friend told me the answer she got to that exact prayer was, “No.  That is not how I’m going to show my love this time.” 

When it became evident that the storm was fixed on heading our way, we prayed that our Heavenly Father would clear the way for people to make it to the range safely.  The huge hill you drive up to get to the gun range is notorious for terrible pile-ups on snow slicked roads.  Dustin’s mom won’t even attempt driving up or down it when the weather is bad.  My prayers were focused on the hopes that there would at least be a good amount of people there when Dust and I arrived.  I just couldn’t stand the thought of Dust feeling bad about a poor turnout.   I was so worried about having to rationalize and try to convince him that the only reason people hadn’t come because of the weather.

In fact, Dust’s cousin Jon had nightmares all night that cars were sliding off the road and crashing all over 4th North (that treacherous hill) and nobody could make it up to the gun range!

The Ham Shoot started at 8:30 am.  Dust and I planned to get up there by 11, but in our usual fashion we were a tiny bit late.  We tried!  We really, really tried!  But we ended up getting there about quarter to 12.

With my cute mom driving and our sweet kids in tow, we headed south on the icy roads and I took a deep breath.  “Oh please, oh please let there be people up there for Dust!”  With four-wheel drive necessary, we turned up 4th North and looked up toward the gun range.  There was snow all over the road, but I didn’t see any pile-ups anywhere. 

All the way at the top, clear up by the big Bountiful “B” on the mountain, we turned onto the dirt road that leads to the gun range.  I held my breath as we crept along the snow packed dirt road.  As we got closer, I could see that both the upper and lower parking lots were packed.  Overflow cars lined the road we were driving along.

Dustin’s dad was standing in a spot close to the prize tent, waiting for us to arrive.  My dad came to the car and my parents took off with Cole and Haley.  Dust and I got out of the car and looked at each other.  Here we go!

Hand in hand, we walked around the tent to see the place was PACKED with people!  We quickly got separated.  I started heading up the hill to try to help find a quiet place for Haley to nap.  I looked back to see my sweet husband with his shoulders back, head up, a smile on his face and his wonderful dad at his side.  They had already been surrounded by a crowd of family and friends, who just couldn’t wait to show Dustin their love and support.

I quickly ran into Dust’s sister Stacie.  I started to cry as she wrapped her arms around me.  I mean, I am not surprised that so many people love Dustin.  I know how incredible he is.  He is so easy to love.  But it takes incredible effort to get to something like this and support people when the sun is shining and everything is perfect!  So to see the gun range covered with people during a crazy winter storm was literally astounding to me.  And it wasn’t just men that were there!  There were tons of kids running around and women without their husbands.  And my brother-in-law Tyler told me the place had been crawling since before they opened.  It had been like that all day.  Each person who felt compelled to come helped to provide the next miracle in our series of miracles.

The rest of the day was filled with warm embraces and loving encouragement.  I would occasionally catch a glimpse of Dust in various spots encircled by friends, with several others waiting around the fringe of the crowd to get their turn to wrap their arms around Dust.  It was just so amazing to see Dust carry himself like he used to!  He looked so good, so happy and that made me feel so good!

We had such a blast with everyone!  And the food, OH THE FOOD!  My mouth is watering just thinking about those amazing pork sandwiches – Dust was even able to eat some!  

At the end of the day, Dust was able to draw out the names for the mountain of raffle prizes.  It was fun to see his excitement with each name called.  I just can’t even describe how it felt to watch him in action.

What an amazing day!  A bitterly cold storm warmed by the spirit of charity and love.  I don’t know that we could ever adequately thank each of you for being there for us.  Thank you for hearing our silent prayers, for being instruments in The Lord’s hands to lift and strengthen us.  We just hope you know that we love you and we are so very grateful, from the very bottom of our hearts.  

(My computer is being funky, so I will post Ham Shoot pics tomorrow)

Thanksgiving Blessings

What an eventful week we’ve had around here!  Trach is out and elastics are cut!  HALLELUJAH!!!!  The doctors wanted to downsize the trach one more time and we really had to fight for it to be removed, but we were able to convince them he no longer needed it. 

The feeding tube had been causing Dust some pain and we weren’t able to get anything through it.  After a 45 minute x-ray and procedure, the tube was removed and replaced with a new one.

The only bad news of the week was that Dust will have to get braces for about six months because the wires slowly pulled three of his front bottom teeth out of socket.  The good news is they don’t think they lost blood supply, so he probably won’t lose them.  Not fun, but not terrible either.

The second we got home from the doctor, I found myself downstairs purging our room of all the equipment that has taken up space for way too long!  In a frenzy, I began ripping plugs from outlets and filling garbage bags with things that were no longer necessary.  Before I knew what I was doing, the basement kitchen table was covered with supplies and machines and I had pushed the hospital bed into a far corner (to await pick-up from the home health company).  I just HAD to get them out of our room, so we could start to get back to our normal lives!!! 

Now, I could relax and enjoy this beautiful holiday weekend – after I called everyone down to admire my work, of course!

Later that day, I saw the sun begin to rise on this new day as I watched Cole and his daddy in the back yard with smiles on their faces.  Dust is a really great dad.  The second he comes home from work, it’s play time!  He and Cole wrestle all around the house, they “roar” at each other, they throw balls back and forth.  So, needless to say, it has been really hard for Dust to be unable to play with his little bud.  Cole has been really resilient through these last two months, but this is a boy who needs his dad – that’s for sure.

I watched them kick leaves around and play in the dirt.  A little while later, my brother told me to come to the window.  We watched Dust lift Cole to the basketball hoop to make a shot.   AND THEN…  We watched Dust step back and shoot and MAKE baskets!!!  My heart literally skipped a beat!  I was so elated!

Dustin and Cole playing basketball Thanksgiving week ten weeks post ATV accident, four weeks post facial reconstruction.

We had our first Thanksgiving dinner at my parent’s house.  We are lucky enough to have families full of amazing cooks.  My mom said she was going to scale back this year, because we are all so worn out. 

“I’m only going to do Turkey, of course,” she told me and Dust.  “Stuffing, potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, raspberry jello, rolls, pumpkin roll, apple cobbler….”

Dustin looked at me and laughed, “What exactly is she cutting out?”

Every inch of the dinner table was covered with delicious food!  It all looked as good as it tasted.  And Dust was even able to eat some of the soft stuff!

Dust’s mom wanted a low key dinner as well, but we found the same thing at her house later that day!  Everything was perfect!

I sat back at each table and looked around at our families:  our selfless moms, our inspirational and encouraging dads, our strong siblings and their amazing spouses, our beautiful children and nieces and nephews.  I couldn’t help but feel honored that our Heavenly Father would not only think we fit with this remarkable group of people, but that He would bless us with this incredible support system.  Each of them has or has had their own sets of trials and struggles and fights their way through them triumphantly.  Every one of them has stepped forward and unselfishly offered all that they have to help us through ours, despite what they have going on in their own lives.

During each dinner, my gaze would drift to my sweet husband.  My heart was constantly lifted up in thanks to our Heavenly Father.  I absolutely adore this man.  Everything about him.  Nothing about who he is or what he is, was taken from us. And it so easily could have been.  If everything were to stay how it is, right at this very moment – we would be blessed beyond measure.  I am so very thankful that he is able to tell me he loves me this Thanksgiving, that he can kiss the chubby little cheeks of our darling Haley, that he is able to listen to Cole belt out “I am a Child of God” at the top of his lungs.

We went around each table, taking turns saying what we were thankful for.  We turned to Cole.

“What are you thankful for Cole?” we asked our sweet son.

“Ummmm, I’m thankful for Jesus,” he replied as he laid his head in the crook of his daddy’s neck.

Dustin always says that our prayers have grown by twenty minutes these days, because we have too many things to thank our Heavenly Father for.  That’s how I feel this post could go.  I could go on and on forever with the things that I have to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, but I’d better leave all those other things for another post.  Let’s just say, we are so very thankful.  For everything. 

Doctors, Doctors, Doctors

We had a week FULL of doctor visits. Ironic for a man who never, EVER goes to the doctor. It's funny, when they ask us who Dustin's primary care physician is, I don't know what to say! I don't remember my strong, healthy husband ever needing to go to a doctor before the accident.

Doctor visits are a regular thing in the Dickamore household these days. In fact, we spent over twelve hours at five different doctors over the last three days.

I think back to that first doctor on the most terrifying night of my life and the moment they realized how extensive Dustin's injuries were. I held Dustin's hand as they laid him back and performed his first CT scan. I watched their faces as the scans showed up on their computer screens. Though I know now that what they were looking at was horrific, they never gave that away. Not once did it cross my mind that Dust might not survive.

I read a study of the likelihood of brain injury when facial fractures are present following blunt force trauma. 79.4% of people with one or more facial fractures suffered some form of brain injury. This statistic goes up drastically when there are multiple fractures or when the injury is to the bones of the upper face. Every bone in Dustin's face was shattered, except for his lower jaw. The fracture in his skull had pushed a pocket of air next to his brain. I can hear the echo of voices repeating that he had a blown pupil. If we were going to base our end result on what statistics show or what the medical world thinks, Dustin should not be functioning, let alone alive. He didn't even suffer a concussion.

Then I flash forward to the OR waiting room at IMC the next morning. The doctors had taken Dustin into an exploratory surgery to get a better look at what exactly was going on. I was sitting next to my mom with my knees hugged to my chest - trying to protect my wounded heart and stop the incessant whimper from escaping my lips- I kept going back to the open-ended conversation I was having with my Heavenly Father. I don't know that I ended a prayer for days, because I was constantly conversing with Him.

Over and over again, I would start to fall apart. The instant I would turn my thoughts to our Heavenly Father, a calm would come over me. He didn't even make me ask anything. It pretty much went like this:

Scary, sad thought.

"Heavenly Father...."

Calm.

Scary, sad thought.

"Heavenly Father...."

Calm.

After a few of these conversations, I actually said out loud, "Okay. I know. I know."

This time, someone whispered in my ear. I turned to my mom and told her that I felt like we were going to get bad news when the doctor came out of the exploratory surgery. I told her that I felt like we were going to continue to get bad news from the doctors until the point where there was no hope left, medically. Only faith. It had to get to the point where there was no mistaking, no questioning what happened. That God had healed Dustin.

Bad news, after bad news came rolling in. The small glimmer of hope we had been given was that the left eye was in tact. The doctors would come in, pry open Dustin's swollen eyelids, and shine bright lights from every angle into his eyes. It was torture to watch him try SO hard to see something, anything.

A few days later, I walked off the elevator to see Dustin's dad in the waiting room with his head in his hands and tears pouring down his face. The MRI showed that Dustin's optic nerve in his left eye had been detached. Optic nerves are brain tissue and irreparable. They don't heal, they don't regenerate, there are no surgeries to repair them. My heart did not sink. I had been expecting this kind of news.

I dropped my bag and ran as fast as I could to Dustin's hospital room. I laid my head on his shoulder, my hand on his chest, and I told him over and over that I KNEW God would heal him. Everything inside of me was screaming that this was true. Dustin keeps his promises to our Heavenly Father and I knew that our Heavenly Father would keep His promises to Dustin.

I wasn't sure how, exactly, Dustin would be healed, but I knew that it would happen and I know that it will continue to happen. I am realizing that God uses a combination of methods for his mightiest works. I have seen medical science, prayers of faith and the beautiful power of the priesthood all come together to provide miracle after miracle for my sweet husband.

As Dustin’s Uncle Jer told us that first morning at IMC, “Doctors can do great things, but God can do more.

We know that Dustin’s end result will be full health and strength. Keeping that in mind, we will exhaust every remedy. And where there seems to be no remedy, when all hope seems to be lost in one aspect or another – God will step in.

Christ is our ultimate physician! Through Him, using God’s power on earth, nothing is impossible! And so we don’t let any prognosis get us down.

They say the vision will not return to the right eye and we say that we know it will! They say that any damage done to the optic nerve in the left eye will not repair and yet EVERY new appointment shows improvement. Dustin tested 20/40 on Tuesday! His pupil (which hasn’t reacted to light since the accident) started to react! Albeit, slowly and sluggishly, but it was reacting nonetheless!

The plastic surgeons say there is more work to be done. They will need to bring his left eyelid more toward his nose and try to repair the muscles of the lids themselves, as they are not functioning correctly. They will need to pull the left eye forward a little bit.

And so, we will continue to put our heads down, our shoulders to the wheel and we will push forward with complete faith in the promises our Heavenly Father has made us. We will do all that we can do and God will do the rest!

We are so blessed to have so many extremely skilled and talented doctors helping to mend and repair Dustin. We are so grateful for the time and energy they have put in to educating themselves and developing their abilities. We are just so lucky that not only are they great at what they do, they really, truly care for Dustin and are with us in hoping for the best possible outcome.

We are also so blessed to have so many friends and family exercising their faith and praying with all their might for our miracles! It is so humbling to see so many step forward to help us, to fight with us.

In great news, Dust will get most of his elastics cut on Wednesday! Just in time for Thanksgiving!!! And for the best news of the week – the trach gets to come out on Wednesday too!!!! Yay! Yipee!!!

In other great news, Dust was able to get his trach downsized and has been able to talk since Monday afternoon. What a difference a voice makes! I've seen more smiles since Monday than I have seen since the surgery. We are on the upswing!

"Can my daddy talk now, mom?"

Eye of the Tiger

Is there anyone out there who doesn't love an underdog story?

I remember, all throughout my childhood, being forced to watch the movie "Rudy."  Rudy, for those who do not know, was a 5-foot-nothing kid from a poor family with terrible grades, very little athletic ability, and a dream to play football for Notre Dame.  Drive and heart were the only things he had going for him.  A lot of blood, sweat, tears, heartache, and the unique ability to persevere through it all brought him to one glorious scene where he was FINALLY let into the game for the last few plays against Georgia Tech. With a stadium full of people chanting his name, this ultimate underdog sacks the quarterback and is hoisted onto the shoulders of his teammates.

Oh, my dad watched this movie over and over and over.  Dust's dad says he did the same.  They love the message of it.  It is just when everything points to impossible that the most amazing things in life can happen.

Dustin and I got stuck in a little rut for a few weeks after the surgery, feeling quite sorry for ourselves.  I mean, really though, does anyone blame us?  We had held up so well and dealt with the injury and the aftermath of the accident with a lot of strength.  We were on such a spiritual high after he got his vision back.  The many miracles that had occurred were undeniable.  Our Heavenly Father had clearly intervened on Dustin's behalf, on multiple accounts.  And now we were tired.  Worn down.

The surgery brought us back to day one of the accident and then some.  Dust's physical pain level was higher and the Spirit wasn't quite as strong.  We really, truly felt in the depths of it.

With slumped shoulders and his head down, Dustin wrote this in his journal:

Sometimes it feels like you're driving down the road on empty with no gas station in sight.  You don’t know what's around the corner or what to expect as you keep going.  With all of the drugs that I was on in the hospital, it has felt like I've been trapped in my body with no escape plan in place.  All along I've known that The Lord has a plan for me but it has been hard to concentrate and have the Spirit with me through these times.  The hospital stay seemed to be long and more than expected.  The trach and mouth wired shut has been a lot harder than I expected.

I've been having a hard time lately with feeling the Spirit in my life and knowing that this is just a short time in our lives.  Each minute seems like an hour and each hour seems like a day.  No matter what we try to do to pass the time, it seems like it Is never ending.

The next day, he wrote this:

Ash and I went downstairs like we usually do and started to get ready for bed.  She could tell something was wrong with me as we were getting ready.  As we sat there I wrote a few things down on the board.  One of them was that I didn’t know that it was going to be this hard and that I wanted our life back.  This whole process has been harder than I thought it would be and there have been several times when I’ve wished for everything to go back to how we had it before.  Our life was so perfect before all of this happened.  Things like that kept popping into my head as I contemplated my life and what was in store for us ahead.

As Ashley and I knelt on the floor, again she knew that something was wrong, I broke down and wrote those things on the board and cried to her as I did it.  She gave me some words of encouragement but I still felt bad about the whole situation.  She asked if I wanted another Priesthood blessing from her Dad and I said yes.

Both Rob and Nancy came down and they both stood there and cried with us for a minute.  It was silent for a little bit as we all cried with tears of frustration and help from our Heavenly Father.

Rob then proceeded with the blessing as he laid his hands upon my head.  It was a very special blessing to me and a comfort as he said the words he was guided to say.  He said that this is the hardest part and that I will grow both spiritually and physically as we endure these trials.  He also promised again that I would be fully restored.

After the blessing I felt a calm come over me and a sense that everything is going to be alright and you just need to buck up for a little while.  It’s hard at the time to know that everything is going to be ok because you feel like there is no end in sight, but The Lord can and will do it, just in His time.  I hope His time is sooner than later, but we just need to learn to submit to His will and know that things that we have been promised will come to pass.

Over the next few days, we decided that it was time to pick ourselves up. To stop feeling sorry for ourselves.  What has happened has happened and there is not a thing we can change about that.  BUT we can change the course of our future.  Our destiny is a bright one.

Our dads both came to the same conclusion.  My dad sent this email to Dust:

Dustin,
I have promises for you. I can see your future clearly. Hold me to these. Mark them down so I can say I told you so:
Your pain will go down.
You will eat real food again.
Your vision will improve.
You will see and notice things that nobody else will see or notice. Amazing things.
You will look into your wife's eyes.
You will see your kids grow up.
You will dance with Haley at her wedding.
You will watch Cole 's first soccer game and his first golf tournament.
You will go back to work and provide a great living for your family. You were born to build things.
You will drive again.
You will build your own house.
You will work out and be stronger than you ever were.
You will play golf and beat me. I won't make this one easy.
You will make an extraordinary difference in the lives of your family members and countless others.
A man who could do half of these things would live a great life. You will do all of them.
Endure the darkness and the hard minutes and hours. The rewards are worth every minute.
I love you. Everyone does.
Gramps

Yesterday, our dads, both with excitement in their eyes, told us of a few people who have overcome great odds and are thriving despite the mountains in their path.

My dad's friend, Augie Nieto, has ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease).  He is not only happy despite being totally trapped in his body, almost completely unable to move - he is GAINING function back, little by little, which has never before been seen with ALS.

Dustin's dad told us of this man, Erik Weihenmayer, who lost all vision by high school. This man has scaled Mount Everest, totally blind.  He white water kayaks and has become one of the top adventurers in the world.

I watched my big, strong superhero husband - wounded, beaten down and 30 pounds less than his strongest physically - begin physical therapy.  Watching him squat and lunge brought excitement to my heart.  "The Eye of the Tiger" started playing in my head. I even made him throw some punches in the air! I told him... this is your training sequence!  You are training to be something great!

Rudy Ruettiger, Augie Nieto, Erik Weihenmayer, Rocky Balboa, Dustin Dickamore.  Just you wait and see.

Home - Post Surgery

We have been home from the hospital for almost a week now.  It has been two weeks and one day since Dust's big facial reconstruction.  

I'm not going to lie.  These last two weeks have been the hardest of our lives so far.  We knew this was going to be a long road, but I don't think either of us truly realized how hard this road would be.  We are weary, that's for sure.

We have been wracking our brains, trying to figure out how to bring more light and positivity into such a difficult situation.  Dust was restless all night and decided to make goals for each day.  Here are some of the ideas he came up with was to find a tutor or teacher to teach us more about the gospel, to find something fun or happy that has nothing to do with anything we are dealing with at the moment, to take a walk, to write in his journal, and to read or listen to a talk.

Some days it feels like the best we can do is just survive the day.  We are trying to find a way out of the darkness that we feel, because we know that this is not the way our Heavenly Father would want us to feel.  There are times where we yearn so desperately for the days before the accident.  I flash back to eating dinner at Pita Pit in Logan on the way to Bear Lake and the sweetness of regular, happy life.  Watching Dust hold Haley and try not to smile at Cole as he tells him to calm down and quit running around the restaurant, and then flash that "Oh! Our crazy kid!" smile at me from across the table, oh how I desperately miss that smile.  There are days we physically hurt because of the pain and sorrow we feel inside.  

But we KNOW that we will be lead out of this darkness.  We know that when they talk about enduring to the end... THESE are the times they are talking about.  We will do this.  We will keep fighting for the day where laughter comes easier, where we are able to resume our lives, where I will be able to be a mom again and Dust will be able to be a dad again and do all of the things he loves to do.  We KNOW that there are better days ahead.  Better than we ever could have imagined and better than we could have had without going through this.

Just today, we listened to a talk by Elder Holland, "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence."  Great talk.  It says how we are feeling perfectly:

"Fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation. It is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going. With Paul, I say to all of you:

Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.

For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. [Hebrews 10:35–36]

I acknowledge the reality of opposition and adversity, but I bear witness of the God of Glory, of the redeeming Son of God, of light and hope and a bright future. I promise you that God lives and loves you, each one of you, and that he has set bounds and limits to the opposing powers of darkness. I testify that Jesus is the Christ, the victor over death and hell and the fallen one who schemes there. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and it has been restored...

“Fear ye not.” And when the second and the third and the fourth blows come, “fear ye not. . . . The Lord shall fight for you.” “Cast not away therefore your confidence.”

Learning to be a nurse!

Dustin and Haley at home!

Almost Ready...

Hello, everyone!  We've had quite a few visitors already, and we want to thank you for stopping by.  Thanks for being patient as we put together the site.  Ash & Dust have just been given control of the site, so they'll be updating and taking control soon! 

I just want to personally thank everyone for such an overwhelming show of support, love and prayers for this great little family.  There just aren't people that are better than Ashley and Dustin.  I can't help but tear up when I see everything that's going on and hear the stories of sacrifice and generosity.  So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 

And again, thanks for being patient as we put this little site together. ;) 

Kyle